This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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