Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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