My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize