Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Randomize