she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
