i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
