he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize