oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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