I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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