I think I won the penis lottery.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
