dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
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