I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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