i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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