I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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