During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I AM VODKA MAN
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Why are your pants in the freezer?
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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