I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Randomize
