U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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