I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
