I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
