i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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