I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
