At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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