I'm sorry my penis didn't work
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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