My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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