I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Randomize
