guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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