but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
