Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
