I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
