this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
