She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
