i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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