Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
