Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I can tuck mytits in my pants
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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