I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
We are all done wearing pants today
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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