Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
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