i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
