No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
