she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
