when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
