I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Every concussion has its silver lining
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
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