If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
