It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize