What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
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