ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize