Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
