Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
