i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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