I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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