i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
