me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize