i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
