I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
