you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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