Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
