i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
