Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
