her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
