Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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