It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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