Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize