I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
