Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Randomize
