I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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