I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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