apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Couch. On fire.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
