this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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