Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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