you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
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