im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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