Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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