A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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