i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
